Chapter Text
I roam a world, wanting not to comprehend,
No secrets to unearth, for I am who descends.
"You must rise," I hear, though the world proceeds with might,
I try to show no weakness in my stride. But can I fight this fight?
I am but a shadow of my own,
Crawling, moving, living alone.
Only this, I trust, I tumble and groan.
~ Lithil-RaVen
Remus' POV:
We went to class, starting with Transfiguration in the first period. Breakfast passed as usual, but oddly, Prongs had been quiet since the common room. Of course, I immediately knew the reason, as none other than Lily Evans walked ahead of us. Beside her were her three friends, and we Marauders followed at some distance.
Now he can't deny his crush, I thought, but at that moment, it turned out Prongs' gaze had a different source.
»They're acting strange,« he suddenly said, breaking his silence, and we looked at our friend. We were just passing by a courtyard. The classroom for Transfiguration was nearby.
»What do you mean?« asked Padfoot, »Did Lily change her hairstyle today?«
»You're dumb!« James snapped back, giving the dark-haired boy a shove. Sirius staggered against the wall but just laughed.
»I'm serious,« James insisted firmly, and as we walked, he looked forward to the girls again. Now my gaze also fell on the group. Indeed, I noticed that they had been whispering the entire time.
»They're girls...« Sirius grumbled, seemingly dismissing their behavior to that fact alone. Yes, immature.
»Really, Padfoot, are they?« Prongs mocked, and gray eyes flashed back at the bespectacled boy.
»They're just weird,« Padfoot maintained his view. I had to shake my head amusedly, yet I had to agree with Prongs.
»They seem upset.«
»Thank you, Remus!« James threw his arms up, »At least someone sees it!«
»Maybe they're all on their period? Don't girls sync up when they live together?«
He didn't just say that, did he?
I couldn't keep a straight face any longer and had to laugh. »You really don't understand the opposite sex, do you?« I asked cheerfully, receiving a death glare from Padfoot.
»Then enlighten us, all-knowing Moony.«
»Understanding the female body would exceed our time. Class starts in a few minutes.«
As I said that, we reached the classroom for Transfiguration, which we were sharing with the Slytherins today, much to our chagrin.
Quickly, we found our seats, and the girls sat at a bench right in front of us. This was why I briefly heard what Dorcas Meadowes said, »Should we tell McGonagall?« she looked worriedly at her friends.
»What if she's just somewhere in the castle?« Fortescue quietly replied back, also showing a worried expression. Her brown eyes scanned her friends. I furrowed my brow.
»Phil has never been gone this long!« Meadowes countered strictly, a bit too loudly, causing Lily to shush her, then they whispered quietly among themselves again. I observed them and before class began, Lily went to the Transfiguration professor and probably told her that Phil was missing.
I immediately turned to my friends. Prongs was giving Padfoot an 'I-told-you-so' look, while Wormtail was watching Lily talking to the professor.
»But why would she disappear?« I whispered quietly, leaning towards the others. I sat to the right of Padfoot, next to him sat Prongs, then Wormtail.
»Probably realized how dull Hogwarts is. Especially the classes,« speculated Padfoot, dropping his forehead onto the table. I made a face and turned my gaze away from the boy who was no help.
»Or!« Sirius continued, then proceeded with renewed vigor, pointing upwards with his index finger, but was silenced by a warning look from McGonagall. She was still talking to Lily but kept an eye on the class as the stragglers took their seats.
The dark-haired boy, however, rolled his eyes, then looked at us Marauders conspiratorially, his forehead showing a red spot, »Or it was Lestrange, that nasty snake. She must have kidnapped Phil, maybe even eaten her. You never know what snakes will do next.«
»And why would that nasty snake harm a girl who hasn't been messed up by you idiots yet?« a harsh voice suddenly said from the side.
Lestrange glared at Sirius, brushing one of her pitch-black hair curls, more like waves, behind her ear. Apparently, she had excellent hearing.
She had been about to go to a row of seats. Snivellus ahead of her went first, for Lestrange would now stay longer next to us. The Slytherin raised an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation from Padfoot, which she would never get.
We play pranks on Snivellus and her from time to time, at least Lestrange deserves it. She's someone who always sticks her nose in other people's business.
Well, we do that too, but it's not the same, so please.
»That, my dear, you know all too well, mhm.«
»Oh, do I really?«
»Absolutely!« Padfoot confirmed. The two looked at each other in such a way that one might expect to see lightning flash between them if they were in a Muggle movie.
»Probably don't even know the reason yourself, Black, do you?« she asked coldly, »Thinking is hard for you so early in the morning and in general.«
Sirius glared at her more intensely - yes, that was possible - and was about to stand up when a commanding voice sounded, »You two, quiet, or I will deduct points from your houses!«
Immediately, both heads turned to McGonagall at the front, who had been watching the scenario with crossed arms. Lestrange and Sirius fell silent. Lily was meanwhile back in her seat, and Professor McGonagall seemed ready to start the lesson.
With a cold look, Lestrange disappeared and sat down with the other Slytherins next to Snape. Sirius' gaze continued to follow her. I could only shake my head. The two had been unable to stand each other since the first class. Unfortunately, they were similar in their quarreling behavior; hence, they constantly clashed.
Now was not the time to think about Padfoot and Elizabeth Lestrange, as with a wave of McGonagall's wand, the large door slammed shut and the class began.
I wondered where Phil was and if she was okay. She was a strange girl, and if the girls were already worried, it must be serious. Of course, the new girl could also be somewhere in Hogwarts, but I couldn't shake the feeling that Phil might not be within these walls anymore.
I didn't get an answer. So, I ultimately focused on Transfiguration, or at least I tried to.
Phil's POV:
I opened my eyes, blinking against the brightness. Moving my arms and legs rustled the leaves beneath me. I knew exactly where I was because I had returned. Returned to the place where I thought I belonged, where the voice thought I belonged.
»The forest is your home, Phil,« it said in my head. It was never silent. It always had something to criticize. And yes, I knew the voice didn't stem from reality, but why was it always right?
Since I had lived in the forest, it had been my companion. Through it, I never felt lonely. It was familiar to me, and I didn't care if it wasn't real. It wouldn't leave me. That was all that mattered.
I sat up and looked around. Everything was as it had always been, but what else had I expected?
The pit in the ground was still where I had found it, where my father had shown it to me. It wasn't far from my spot, where my tree stood. The place where everything had started, at least in my head. I had been cursed since birth and not at the tree had I experienced my first transformation, although I liked to tell myself so. I knew nothing, and everything had started at this tree. My father hadn't always taken care of me during full moons, nor had he shown me the beautiful sides of being a werewolf. There were none, just as there were no memories of my father. There were no memories of my mother or of the time we had lived our life as a family.
I was Phil. On a full moon night, I had transformed into the monster for the first time. My mother had always been kind, and my father had left us much earlier. My mother hadn't wanted to protect me from my father after their separation, although she should have protected herself instead. They hadn't fought, and my father hadn't wanted to take me with him. My mother hadn't become overwhelmed by his dream of werewolf existence. She hadn't drugged me every full moon and locked me in a cellar. She hadn't let her new husband convince her I was a monster; no, she had just been my mother.
I had killed her. That was the story, nothing more. One day, I had run away from home, transformed, and killed my mother. The fact that my stepfather had beaten me before and my mother hadn't intervened was just in my head. None of that had happened.
»But it all did happen,« whispered the voice in my head.
»No!« I shouted back, leaving the small pit in the ground, which had a wooden board for a door. I breathed in the fresh forest air, filling my lungs. It was idyllic, but it was all just an illusion to make reality look good. Because in the next moment, it was over. Behind me, twigs snapped. I immediately knew who had come to visit me.
They were here.
My family.
But one thing was certain, they were no longer my family, for I had been excluded. So, I didn't turn around to be joyfully welcomed; no, I looked into the alpha wolf's eyes and the dozen wolves behind him as well, coming to the conclusion that I was not wanted. I understood, for the abyss was my path. I didn't belong in either of the two worlds.
I stared at the wolves. They were not happy to see me. The wolves growled, then my former family charged at me.
They wanted blood.
»Run, Phil!« screamed the voice, and I did. I stumbled backward, but my heart was heavy. How could I have known? Excluded after such a long time - we had been family. Family should be there for each other, take care of each other, but the truth was clear. I had betrayed them. They wanted nothing to do with me.
»Phil, they were never your family, damn it!« the voice in my head said. I trusted it, but why was I here now? How had my sick mind managed to bring me back, back to the loneliness?
If only I had known the answers, for now, it was too late. The abyss would have been a better outlook, even if I would never open my eyes again.
Growling, the wolves approached me. Their paws only left a crunching noise in the snow. Hot breath escaped their throats, forming small clouds.
Stumbling, with trembling legs, I took a few steps backward, and with my fingers - palms covered in cold sweat - I searched my jacket pocket. Nothing, I couldn't find it. My wand was gone, and whether I would ever hold it in my hands again was a question in itself. Even if I had it, it wouldn't have been of any use, as I couldn't cast spells. Yes, I was useless and nothing more.
In my grief, fear, and anger, I hadn't expected to face my old pack.
The alpha wolf approached me. I was deprived of breath. I tried to push my fear aside, shook my head. I turned and ran for my life, which suddenly seemed precious again. Noises of the steps of a scared, foolish girl and those of the bloodthirsty wolves rang in the old forest...
