On April 28, 2006, a sports movie was released that featured everything a fan could want — a feel-good redemption story from a preternaturally talented athlete who had thrown it all away years before, realistic action, a villain making a heroic turn at the very end, two love stories, a bittersweet finish, and a grizzled Jeff Bridges offering wisdom as a coach who does things his way.
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That movie was “Stick It.” And it didn’t make The Athletic’s Top 100 Sports Movies.
I’m not sure who, exactly, conspired to leave out basically every movie I volunteered to write a capsule for: A Day at the Races, BASEketball, Draft Day, Ladybugs, Necessary Roughness, Rocky IV, Stick It, Summer Catch and Teen Wolf. Rocky IV actually made it onto the list, at No. 65, which softens the blow a little bit, but not when you learn Rocky III and Creed both finished higher. Blah.
Snubs are going to happen. And everyone has their own tastes, but never before have I been so ashamed to work alongside the otherwise great people at The Athletic as I was when I was told, very gently, that I wasn’t assigned films to write about for the Top 100 because none of them made the Top 100.
If you’re reading this and you didn’t vote on the Top 100, please get out of the way. Because this is partially a love letter to werewolves who play basketball, $100 bills taped to playbooks, and shouting “Steveee Perry” during free throws, but also a shot across the bow of my foolish colleagues who voted in garbage movies over these sports classics.
Here are the snubs. For us common folk. Ranked in reverse order of snub severity.
“Stick It” (2006)
Alright, so I actually do get how you can leave “Stick It” out of the Top 100. It is very cheesy. But it is also an underrated sports movie — it’s big, dumb fun and moves along at a decent enough pace where you don’t really notice how quickly it goes by. It starts with a ridiculous premise — a rebellious wunderkind arrested for trashing a spec house is “sentenced” to a gymnastics academy. And it rolls along from there. The characters all have outsized personalities, there’s a villain (Tricia Skilken) who takes a Darth Vader-level hero turn at the very end, the girls collectively band together to take down the system, there’s a surprising amount of energy and excitement, and it has that “The Shawshank Redemption” it’s-on-TV-I-just-got-sucked-in-to-watching-it quality to it.
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Total Joseph Campbell archetype. This is basically “Star Wars” for gymnastics, people! But instead of proton torpedoes at the Death Star it’s bra straps at Nationals.
Fine, it’s not one of the Top 100 sports movies of all time, but it at least deserves “can accidentally watch the whole thing on a lazy Sunday” honors.
“Ladybugs” (1992)
This isn’t so much a movie as it as a collection of Rodney Dangerfield one-liners with a plot built around it. “Ladybugs” definitely hasn’t aged well, but there’s a cartoonish goofiness to about 90 percent of the movie … and then a lot of cringing at the other 10 percent (that number may move depending on your willingness to wave off some jokes as poor taste and not offensively harmful). So the movie gets docked for the fact that it could probably never get made today. But it did get made, and it has a lot of funny parts to it, as well as a rousing comeback story where the team has to come together without its star player. Quirky soccer comedy with some dated references and a lot of signature Rodney Dangerfield jokes? Maybe not a Top 100 lock, but it has a case.
I did a re-watch of the movie just to see how inappropriate it is, according to today’s standards, and while it really wasn’t terribly insensitive, it had more sex jokes than I remember — many of which, I assume, flew over my head as a kid. I’ll leave you with these select lines from the film:
“She’s very classy. Yeah, very classy. I heard when she drives her car, she keeps her legs crossed.”
“She does a lot of charity work.”
“Yeah, I know. She handles all the policemen’s balls.”
“I read a book once, 100 Ways to Make Love. I ended up in traction. It was a misprint.”
“Last night I had a dream — I was a soccer ball, and Bess kept kicking me. And I told her, “‘Don’t touch me. You can’t use your hands.'”
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“Chester, you keep up the good work, this time next year, you’ll have 10 men under you.”
“Can you make it women?”
“What a lady. Boy, when she walks in the room, mice jump on chairs. At Christmas, they hang her and kiss the mistletoe. I tell you, if she went to a dog show, she’d win.”
“What’s in the bag?”
“Martha.”
“Draft Day” (2014)
People think of “Draft Day” as a boring, sappy typical-Kevin-Costner-fare middling film. But it has some nuance to it, and a plot that moves along with enough intrigue and twists to create some genuine tension at the end.
It’s a football movie without much football — there’s some game film element to it, but it relies mainly on behind-the-scenes NFL Draft machinations to create the drama. The most significant moment on a football field is when a memorial service is held for Kevin Costner’s late father before the draft. Maybe I’m biased because the fantasy player in me enjoys the ins and outs of deal-making, talent evaluation, and deep research, but I couldn’t have been the only one to think it deserved a spot in the Top 100. Plus, Denis Leary as the team’s head coach! Arian Foster as a college prospect! Terry Crews as Foster’s father! Puff Daddy as an agent! And the film was directed by Ivan Reitman of “Ghostbusters,” “Stripes,” “Twins,” and “Kindergarten Cop” fame.
Here’s what I think happened with “Draft Day” — I remember there being a lot of very obvious and boderline-official NFL tie-ins as it was marketed; annoying stuff that was a little too much and gave the impression that this was going to be a cheesy propaganda machine for the NFL. I wish I could remember more specifics, but I distinctly recall being turned off by the marketing of it and not wanting to go see it almost out of spite for the way it was presented. So my guess is a lot of people actually didn’t see “Draft Day” for the same reason, and it suffered an unfair fate because of the packaging. My follow-up guess is if someone sees it, they’d like it.
You don’t have to put it in the Top 50, but it would fit snugly in one of those random mid-80s spots. Like: 86. “Draft Day.” The voters robbed the world from what I assume would’ve been a brilliant Mike Sando blurb.
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“Summer Catch” (2001)
Luck don’t last forever, lawn boy!!
“Goon” (2011)
I’m nothing if not a man of the people. Some passionate commenters basically skipped the intro — this is about my movies, not yours — and went right to pointing out the double-snub of Goon. No longer. I hit up a few of our NHL writers to ask for some opinion (I’ve never seen the movie, despite celebrating Jay Baruchel since “Undeclared”) and now, hopefully, this wrong has been righted and we can all live together in snub harmony.
I’m not doing this for “Waterboy,” though.
From my esteemed colleague Joe Yerdon:
The film “Goon” is a favorite of mine for a few reasons. It’s a hockey film and those are pretty rare and it’s silly, raunchy, violent, and has a huge heart to it.
Seann William Scott as the movie’s sweetly dumb hero, Doug Glatt, made it work. But any movie that gets to the heart of an enforcer needs a foil and Liev Schrieber as legendary pugilist Ross Rhea embraced it. He studied legendary NHL enforcer Bob Probert for the role and took it extremely seriously to get it right. He even studied the linguistics to find out what it took to sound as close to a proper Newfoundland guy as he could.
“Goon” gets unfairly compared to “Slap Shot” and that’s tough because how can any film stand up to the absolute best in its class? The way writer Jay Baruchel and director Michael Dowse did it was to wrap the sweet feel-good romance Reggie Dunlop didn’t get to have in “Slap Shot” mixed in with a gladiator-like build up for Glatt’s eventual showdown with Rhea.
It’s a movie treated with heart and has enough locker room nonsense and side jokes to make you laugh throughout it and root for Glatt the whole way through. “Goon” is funny, gross, violent, and still finds a way to bring a tear to your eye. It’s wonderful.
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And my other esteemed colleague, Corey Masisak, wrote this in his streaming guide for a world with no live hockey:
Some of the violence and crude humor will not be for everyone, but this was a delightful surprise when it arrived in early 2012. Lots of funny/likable supporting characters. Liev Schreiber’s Ross “The Boss” Rhea is the best supporting character in hockey movie history. His sitdown with Doug Glatt at the diner looks like something out of an Oscar-worthy film. Rod McCaudy is a great local announcer with a screw loose. Gord’s minor-league lifer captain had just enough realism to probably hit home with some of the older guys in the AHL.
“Necessary Roughness” (1991)
The Texas State Fighting Armadillos were given the death penalty after a series of NCAA infractions, so a totally annihilated program slaps together a team of misfits to play through the coming season, led by Paul Blake, a 30-something former star quarterback content with a life of farming (I think it was farming; we’re at least led to believe it was farming). If you don’t remember this movie, maybe you remember Rob Schneider doing his SNL character as the team’s announcer, calling a “fumble-aya” and “fumble-rooskie” in the movie’s trailer. Or you might remember this as the film where Kathy Ireland played the team’s kicker:
“Major League” finished at No. 10 in our Best Movie rankings, and this is, essentially, the football version of that movie. So something doesn’t add up. There’s a love story between the team’s aging superstar and a much smarter woman, there’s the team of misfits, the dean/owner hoping for failure, the head coach who has to miss the big game because he’s in the hospital (OK, fine, that was “Major League 2,” but I’m on a roll), the uber-talented player who has one major hole in his game (Cerrano can’t hit the curve; Featherstone can’t catch), the “rich guy” (Roger Dorn and Jarvis Edison) and the goofy announcer (Bob Uecker and Rob Schneider). There isn’t a Ricky Vaughn in “Necessary Roughness” (I don’t think Sinbad’s Andre Krimm was that off the map), and maybe that’s why “Necessary Roughness” isn’t held in the same high esteem as “Major League” — it was missing the X-factor of that wild, dangerous centerpiece.
In my eyes, though? A snub-lerooskie.
“BASEketball” (1998)
Let’s run through some things BASEketball imprinted on popular culture:
- This is where the term “derp” originated.
- Trey Parker and Matt Stone manage to sneak in the voices of both Cartman and Mr. Garrison.
- This movie is based on an obscure (but real) game that any normal person can play.
- It gave us the jobs → khakis → chicks flowchart.
- Bob Costas inviting viewers to feel his nipples.
- “Steeeeve Perry”
- “Hi Brittany”
Let’s run through some things Everybody Wants Some!! (No. 47 on the list) imprinted on popular culture:
“Million Dollar Arm” (2014)
There’s a great piece coming this week on how Jayson Stark and Ken Rosenthal got to be in “Million Dollar Arm” — yet even the presence of my two esteemed co-workers (Jayson’s in the Hall of Fame! Ken changed the direction of the Astros franchise forever!) in the film couldn’t lift it into the Top 100. So I offered Jayson some real estate here to join in the bemoaning of our company’s poor taste in movies, and an opportunity to defend the 2014 film:
I’m confused. Granted, I’m easily confused. But I’m confused by how it’s even possible to compile a 100 Greatest Sports Movies list and not include the brilliant, award-winning “Million Dollar Arm?” What more does a film have to do to make a list like this anyway?
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“Million Dollar Arm” literally has it all. Ken Rosenthal. Me. Cows. The always-charismatic Jon Hamm. The always-charming Lake Bell. Alan Arkin, in the finest nap-loving role of his career. A funny and heart-warming true story of two kids from India whose lives really did change forever. And have I mentioned Ken Rosenthal? And me?
Rosenthal wanted you to know that Hamm was so stoked to meet us that he joined us at dinner the night before we filmed our scene – and was, in Ken’s words, “quaking…stammering…shaking…
I’m still waiting for shipment of my Oscar for best non-supporting non-actor in a non-speaking role. But while I’m waiting, you should know that “Million Dollar Arm” did win the prestigious Truly Moving Picture Award at the 2014 Heartland International Film Festival. So it has to be great, considering that the competition included the Muppets!
You’d think that if what Rosenthal likes to refer to as “our film” (hopefully, Hamm won’t read that!) was good enough for the Heartland International Film Festival, it would be good enough for The Athletic. But whatever. If it’s on an also-rans list that includes “BASEketball” and “A Day at the Races,” that’s clearly a way better list than that top 100 anyway. —Jayson Stark
“Any Given Sunday” (1999)
We’re talking sports movies, right? “Any Given Sunday” portrayed some of the most real and intense football action of any movie on the list. Oliver Stone invented a parallel NFL, where teams go after the Pantheon Cup and Steamin’ Willie Beamen — a run-savvy, talented third string quarterback — could lead his team to a chance at the title. We have team chemistry issues, parties that echoed the Cowboys’ “white house” exploits (including Lawrence Taylor chain-sawing a car in half), behind-the-scenes actual fights between LL Cool J and Jamie Foxx, and really well-filmed football action (Foxx was cast as Beamen partially because he played quarterback in high school and looked genuine throwing the ball).
But look, let’s simplify things — this is an Al Pacino movie. Directed by Oliver Stone. Also starring Oscar winner Jamie Foxx. And NBD, Charlton Heston. Plus, the famous “life is a game of inches” speech — which you may recognize from the Jumbotron at every football game you’ve ever attended when they’re trying to pump up the crowd. This speech alone — just the YouTube clip — should have made it into the Top 50:
And you’re telling me it’s not Top 100? This is like leaving “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” off a Top 100 Holiday Movies List.
“A Day at the Races” (1937)
There’s an instant bond formed when, though some weird magic of our human communication system, you find someone else who loves the Marx Brothers. And, once you get past that, when you both realize your favorite Marx Brothers movie is “A Day at the Races.” Maybe it’s through a series of terse “thank YOU”s, maybe someone says “get-a your Tutsi Fruitsi ice cream,” perhaps it’s the very timely call-out of having to wash your hands again. And again. And again.
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The movie is 83 years old and the jokes still stand the test of time. Groucho Marx plays a horse physician, Hugo Z. Hackenbush, who has duped a rich woman into thinking he’s a real doctor. And he’s actually the good guy in this film.
The movie is one magnificent moment after another — Dr. Hackenbush’s introduction to the panel of high-brow doctors, the call with Colonel Hawkins, Harpo’s physical (“either he’s dead or my watch has stopped”), Groucho’s “change partners!” calls during the ball (with a classic Chico piano performance and Harpo smashing the piano to reveal a harp), Groucho’s disastrous dinner with the conniving Flo Marlowe (“Thank YOAH!”)…and it goes on and on. Try this exchange on for size:
Whitmore: Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Hackenbush: [To Whitmore] Oh, you’ve taken them before?
Mrs. Upjohn: Are you sure, doctor, you haven’t made a mistake?
Hackenbush: You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
If I handed you a script with no other signifiers on it, there’s a small chance you’d believe it was written today. Except for one part.
While the movie is a classic that even AFI praises, it is a complex film in our current landscape for anyone watching it today. The movie does feature a blackface scene — with Groucho, Harpo and Chico wiping wheel grease ontheirfaces to blend in and escape from their pursuers. You can see it here for context. Yet another example of its contemporary complicated nature is how the Marx Brothers included Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers, a group founded by Herbert “Whitey” White. They were a group of swing dancers who started at Harlem’s famed Savoy Ballroom. Even though they were in the film, their scenes were sometimes edited out for segregated southern theatre audiences. And, according to AFI, in Austria, as well.
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Outside of that scene, though, the film is a wonderful diversion, with the air of horse racing hanging above it and playing a major role in the climactic ending.
“Teen Wolf” (1985)
Here’s a question to ask yourself: Say you’re a college basketball coach, and you hear about this werewolf who is incredible at basketball, has what appears to be a 1.000 shooting percentage, and is apparently unstoppable? How do you go about recruiting him? And then when he decides he no longer wants to be the wolf, do you rescind the scholarship offer? Do you try to talk him into being the wolf just for game day? Do you dare pry into the mechanics of turning the wolf on and off when all you’ve ever heard about werewolves is that they need a full moon to transform? Do you take a shot that maybe Scott Howard held onto some werewolf traits and wasn’t completely free of the wolf? After all, when he scared the liquor store clerk into giving him a keg of beer, he was able to flash the red eyes and growl without a full transformation, so maybe there’s a little something peeking behind innocent Scott Howard that could make him a little above-average without blatantly being a wolf.
Furthermore, what’s to say he won’t get on a college campus, get a little wild, and decide that being the wolf is advantageous to his social life. It’s not like he’s keeping it a secret — he and Stiles were marketing his persona in the halls of his high school.
Speaking of which, how many movies in the Top 100 can boast action figures? “Teen Wolf” can, and this figure is wearing a basketball jersey, for all the “it’s not a sports movie” haters (side note: “Rocky IV” actually has figures, including Paulie’s robot, Sico).
Let’s leave it with these three life rules, from immortal Beavers coach Bobby Finstock:
- Never get less than 12 hours of sleep.
- Never play cards with a guy who’s got the same first name as a city.
- Never go near a lady who’s got a tattoo of a dagger on her body.
Hall of Famer Jayson Stark and I can’t be the only ones aghast at these snubs. Please gripe away below and join us in wondering where things went so very wrong.
(Top photo: Bobby Finstock in “Teen Wolf;” special thanks to Jayson Stark and Ryan S. Clark)
